Day 29 - Haiti: The smoke came from there...

This is going to be a different type of entry. Because surprisingly, even through all of this, I didn't light up once - this is after all a blog about my quitting smoking... But I realize that my back-patting blog can show in a different light the challenges I faced recently, making quitting smoking seem so petty (although all ex-smokers know it's really huge, in its own perspective).

January 12th - 5:45 pm Get home, throw my tired body onto the couch. (DON'T light up that habitual cigarette.) Chit chat with my boyfriend as we usually do, until I reach over and open my Macbook. Like I usually do. I log on to Twitter and BOOM! my life as I know it changes drastically for the next three weeks.

The Twitterverse is all a buzz about this huge earthquake in Haiti.

I start chasing all of the sources that claim to have the most information, follow them, turn on my television. I'm completely enveloped in these tweets claiming live feeds and 'realtime' information. So I tune into one of these streaming video feeds from someone's living room, a makeshift studio put together on what seems to be a dining room table. This guy is chatting with a frazzled Internet provider CEO, also livestreaming from his home office... in Petionville, Haiti. It's just a few hours after the earthquake, and you can hear the quiver in his voice. He says his wife is a doctor (she's yelling at him to get out of the house, it's not safe).

More and more people are tuning into this amateur report. More and more people are English. This feed being in French, I start blindly translating what's being said, from French to English. I must have done so for 4 hours, non-stop.

That was no longer enough for me, though. The calls for help were still coming through via Twitter the next day. This time it was about the lack of water, medical help and people stuck under rubble. It was frustrating. At that point, only the US Coast Guard had made it there and were doing all they could in Port-au-Prince to be of any help at all. But it clearly wasn't enough.

Chaos was seeping in. So I googled. This was frustrating. How could I help? There must be something that can be done, this is ridiculous! I was seeing calls for help in orphanages! No... not babies!?.... I kept googling until I feel upon this curious website called Ushahidi (haiti.ushahidi.com). There were other emergency calls being uploaded, information, a map... this was amazing. So I punched in the information I got until I realized that the orphanage had already been written about a few hours earlier. Had someone followed up on this? Was this true? What was happening, was someone dispatched?

I knew that all of this was extremely new, never been done before - not that I was aware of, anyways. Twitter wasn't very old, I'd never heard of a region hit by a natural disaster with cell and phone lines down, but Internet still being up and running. Were the people in charge of organizing emergency calls getting this information? Were they doing anything with it?

So I searched online and tried to get direct "from the source" information on how the orphanage was doing. I managed to reach the Colorado office of the haitian orphanage. The owner was chatting via Yahoo! Messenger with the orphanage itself and confirmed that they'd had no help yet. So I updated the Ushahidi post with the confirmation and my information. I posted it on my Twitter page, too. (You never knew who was going to read your tweet!)

Within an hour, both Oxfam and World Water Relief called me to find out where I got this information and how they could help. Wow! I was excited and nervous all at once! (It worked! It worked? Wow, it actually worked. Then, kinda like that candy that pops in your mouth, I was getting all of these new contacts, getting and giving information about the conditions on the ground in Haiti, acting as a liaison between the Web and the Ground via the Phone. (My cell phone bill is going to be ridiculous. RIDICULOUS! - but worth it.) At one point, I was actually giving information on the road conditions and the quickest routes into Port-au-Prince to a doctor on his way to help out wherever they were needed, armed with water filtration devices. Through the good graces of the domino effect, the kids at God's Littlest Angels actually got water the next day!!! That was the first time I had cried. I had had a tiny role to play in that and I felt peace. Butterfly effect. *Shivers*

The next two weeks consisted of coordinating with forces on the ground and other Voluntweeters (lol, I know... corny but adequate) - There was an army of volunteers from all walks of life gathering for one cause. It was awe inspiring. From pastors to wedding planners, radio DJs to college students. Musicians to former politicians and actors to hackers - we were all uniting and making sure that action and accountability were synonymous. Then the media got hold of what was being done, and like a wildfire, I was getting requests for interviews from national networks. Live, pre-recorded, Skype, etc. I hadn't even gotten that much media for the band!!! This was awesome because it was actually for something way bigger than me. For once I was the mouthpiece for a cause not affiliated to an organization, but rather free-spirited, intelligent and collective effort.

Everyone over the past few weeks has felt that buzz, that collective energy flowing through each one of us, inspiring action and involvement. It's been incredible to be part of it and connect with like-minded people. It's been awesome to witness the birth social media's soul.

I'm a singer. An event planner. I'm not SuperWoman or Storm. I have an addiction to my Macbook and iPhone. That's all.

The work continues. I'm rested (yet sick), happy and ready to roll up my sleeves again. And I STILL haven't lit back up again.

Photo by Matthew McDermott

Day 10 - The Rewiring

Not one craving today. I actually don't remember having a physical craving in a couple of days. I even find myself no longer thinking that often about smoking (maybe once or twice in the day I'll say to myself "Here, I would normally light up"). So I consider that a success, passing on to the next phase of my quit. Yay!

That was actually pretty quick. Less than two weeks to detox. Now it's all about the psychological side of the nicotine addiction. Continuing the rewiring. Continue ignoring my personal assistant which is only doing it's job by reminding me to light up; my brain will eventually fully catch on. Right now it's just like a confused little assistant who doesn't know on which foot to dance cause you just changed up the whole plan on her. She's a smart cookie, though. She'll get it quick enough.

Add to that that I've been sick since Saturday, so that has made it quite easier, thankfully.

The one thing that I have noticed and that I think I'm the most proud of is that I haven't taken my Symbicort in 11 days. Normally I take two puffs a day... every day. So my asthma was directly linked to my smoking. *&%$# And I knew it, too. I realized that my asthma actually started about a couple years after I started smoking, my first severe attack when I was 15. From then on I was prescribed everything from Ventolin to Flovent to Symbicort, nothing helping improve my condition. Until I quit. I hadn't noticed during my last quit either how my asthma had improved. And how a few months after I had started smoking again I was hospitalized for 3 days for a severe asthma attack. Here's an interesting article I found online about the link between smoking and asthma:

"How does smoking cause asthma? “Tobacco smoke contains several irritants that have been shown to cause chronic inflammation in the airways and in the alveoli. Such chronic inflammation can lead to asthma,” Dr. Jaakkola explained. “In addition, smoking has been shown to modulate the immune system and to impair normal repair systems leading, potentially, to asthma.” She added that in both animals and humans, hypersensitivity to allergens is enhanced in the presence of tobacco smoke." (http://www.pulmonaryreviews.com/jan05/smokingasthma.html)

Mitch is doing much better, too, no longer anxious about it anymore. I even reminded him today about the fact that I hadn't seen him jones in a while. He hadn't even noticed. :) Well, (other than the sick part) I continue to enjoy this path to ex-smoking.

Day 7 - Keepin' On

Okay, I know I skipped Day 5 and 6. They were uneventfuly stable yet sprinkled with the usual anxiety and mini-cravings.

Today I reflect back on the first week in order to share my list of Do's and Don'ts - maybe it could help me/someone else in the future.

- DO drink lots of water the first week. The first few days, you will retain a lot of friggin' water, won't pee much, might not even.. you know... Number 2 much. Your body's gonna be REBELLING, trying to get your attention and convince you to smoke just one little cigarette. Which, of course you know, is a don't. Gatorade is a good alternative to water, too. And the sugars in the Gatorade will help increase your blood sugars, in return calming down your cravings. (I'll explain why below.)

- DO drink cranberry juice in the first two days. It'll help quicken the detox of your body. And it's yummy. (Feel free to water it down a little if you find it too tart.)

- DO keep a HEALTHY snack nearby for the first couple of days. The important thing to remember here is that you don't want to replace your smoking habit by an eating habit, but to keep feeding your body small amounts of sugar throughout the day. If you were like me when you smoked, you used to skip breakfast every morning, sometimes even lunch, and just make up for it at night. Well, reality check, that diet ain't gonna keep you nice and thin when you quit. Actually, you won't last.

Instead of going back to a 3-meal day, replace it by 5 SMALLER meals (like a bagel with cream cheese and juice for breaky, an apple at around 10:30 - or around the time you would go smoke normally, a nice sandwich and salad for lunch - Side note : Activia for dessert REALLY helps regulate you. I used to laugh at Jamie Lee Curtis when I smoked, but now my coffee/cigarette laxative is gone, so... yeah, you get the point. Fibre is goooooood. Trail mix in the p.m. to keep you going - y'all know I love my trail mix! - and then a nice small but healthy dinner. Yes, dessert, dessert, dessert rocks - my sweettooth is HORENDOUSLY vicious. But don't do like I did. I quit the French toast two days ago and feel so mucn better!

- DON'T use the nic-fits as an excuse to be ultra bitchy with your partner. He may or may not be quitting at the same time as you, but he also has feelings. And if he's quitting along with you, you'll just get it right back in your face. And that ain't fun.

- DO remember that a nic-fit/craving/finger-wringing-desire only lasts a few moments. The THOUGHT itself may last longer, but the actual physical craving only lasts about 10 seconds. The key that has helped me deal with it is simple. "This, too, shall pass." Accept that you're going through that feeling. Yeah, it sucks. Okay, now move on to something else. By the time you've picked your nose, or changed the TV channel, skipped from Facebook to Twitter, you'll be past the craving and won't even realize it. And remember that the cravings get fewer and far-between as the days go by. Just hang in there.

We will ALWAYS be ex-smokers. The memory of enjoying smoking will always remain; our brains are wired to not remember the pain as vividly as the good parts. So, you'll be having a glass of wine in 4 years and, poof, the thought of 'hmmmm, I would smoke a cigarette right now' will swipe through your head. But the physical craving won't. Temptation will be easier. Which is in part why I'm writing this blog. To remember the pain I went through.

NOT ANOTHER PUFF.

Nicotine releases immediate blood sugars into your body (normally food will do the same but only after digestion, so about 20 minutes later). This is why we used to be able to skip a meal by smoking a cigarette... or 3. Now, not possible. It's also KEY to not BINGE during this period - unless you REALLY want that badunkadunk. Because of the 20 minute buffer, you're going to think you're still hungry after a meal. Wait. Waiiiiit before you scarf down that entire sugar pie, honey. Digestion is key to getting your metabolism back to normal. This is also why Gatorade might help through the first week, give you a boost of sugar and help fight the incredible munchies. It'll get easier. And the bloating will go down.

Week one down! Nice!

You Mother Liquor...

I always loved documentaries. Had never seen one on nicotine/cigarettes before. Interesting whether you're a non-, ex- or current smoker.

This 4 part series is a must-see.

Would you like a side-order of French Toast with that?

What the hell?! What do I say to myself in order to convince myself that, yes, eating French Toast for dessert after a full plate of pasta is a completely normal thing to do?! I can't help but laugh. Not at the fact that I did it, not necessarily, but rather the fact that I thought it was a good idea while I know it's a little exaggerated for dessert. An apple woulda been okay...

I feel like I'm going through one constant nic-fit. Being so close to food is tempting, and I could still eat even though my tummy is obviously gorged.

Tough one, because the constant urge is getting annoying. Wheres ma damn lemon wader.

Well, it's merely a question of education, my dear!

So I decided to kill some time around the period of the day where I would normally head out and puff up by reading up on my gargantuan hunger, edginess, bickering, you know... all that stuff written below. While surfing the internets, I found this page that pretty much summed up all of my questions' answers into one not-so-lovely but oh-so-informational page on WhyQuit.com .

So basically if I want to fight that bulge I'm so damn worried about (who the hell isn't... I mean, pfff, I kinda like my 'smoker weight'... and last time i quit I gained a whopping 30 pounds), I'm going to go drink some cranberry juice and keep munching on tiny little portions of my trail mix throughout the day. I'm going to have to get used to eating that meal at the beginning of the day... you know... whatsitcalled... BREAKFAST. (I only really do that on weekends at like 2 p.m. when Mitch has a craving for bacon and eggs). I guess I should go buy some cereal at the grocery store so I can eat at the office.

My skewed brain was worried that eating breakfast and lunch (which I haven't always been good at) would cause me to gain weight... But then again, I normally eat so much fatty food at night (i.e. pizza, poutine, fries, hamburgers, etc.) that if I manage to just spread out all those calories in the day and do just a bit more activity during the day, I shouldn't gain that much weight. Oh yeah, and keep drinking my 2 f*&%g liters of water a day (I'm kinda coasting at between 500 and 600 mL so far...)

So, to that I say "We shall see... we shall see."

F*&?$#@! Long Live Trail Mix

The title says it all. My lunch break was the hardest fit I've had in the last 3 days. Although you'd think with the cold weather I'd be happy to stay inside and not stink myself up. But... yeahh... trail mix. Trail mix is my new cigarette break. And it's loaded enough that I can't eat too much of it.

*&?%$$## Trail Mix.

Day 3 - Back to Basics

First day back to work *grumble*. Probably like most of you, my routine was all screwed up. I had set my alarm clock early to take my shower, wanted to make myself a coffee before heading out. None of it happened thanks to that damn snooze button.

I still managed to make it out the door on time, surprisingly. The entire city is covered in this wonderful duvet of snow, so I took out my MITTENS and decided to finally wear them. You have to understand, mittens are completely impractical for smokers unless they are super thin and you're able to balance and flick the cigarette from between your thumb and your index, without burning the wool. Good luck. But yay, are they comfy and nice!

So I briskly walked all the way to the metro station, which normally initiates a tightening in my chest on a good day, a full out asthma attack on other days. This time, coast was clear, no breathing issues, not even a wheeze! :D

I sat down in the metro car, pull out my book ("The Death and Life of Bobby Z" by Don Winslow - excellent read!) and at the next stop a smoker plops down next to me. I NEARLY CHOKED! I hadn't had that kind of reaction to a smoker in a while, but HOLY CRAP DID HE FRIGGIN RUB THE ASHTRAY ON HIS COAT OR SOMETHING?! I shudder from the thought that I smelled like this. That I made people react like that to my smell. Women should smell pretty, rosy, flowery. Not smokey. Not like they just crawled out from a pub crawl in Dublin!

Anyways. I'm at my desk about to embark on my first workday sans smoke. I might have to force myself to take little breaks. I sincerely hope that Mitch will be okay without me at home and that he'll stay the course. I won't be mad if he doesn't but I guess I will be disappointed if my partner flakes. We'll see how it goes - point is I am now an ex-smoker. That's all that matters.

Hunh, so far so good.

I was sitting here looking at my screen wondering what was bothering me the most about my quit today. And I realized that between the cleaning, the napping, putting on our snowsuits and running around with Treble in the snow at the park, not smoking today was pretty smooth.

Of course, Mitch and I bickered like crazy (and to put it in context, we often bicker like regular couples do, but let's just say our fuses are slightly, actually much shorter). We do take our time to calm down and then talk to the other about it, so it's not unhealthy. :) It's actually funny when we listen to ourselves.

I'm drinking a lot less water today, but it's still handy.

It IS still early in the evening though.

Back to work tomorrow. That'll be another challenge. At least my two office roomies are ex- and social smokers.

One thing I must say, that I'm sure our dog appreciates more than us, is how nicely smokeless our living room is. We used to have to open the window sometimes. But not in the last two days. And I noticed that I didn't need my pump after running outside in the snow (which normally requires my inhaler within 10-15 minutes).

So yeah, so far so good. Bring on the cravings, I know how to handle them now.

Woohoo, I made it to Day 2!

Day One was interesting... and long. Though I realize my two mistakes that made the day go by so much slower: I played along with Mitch (who is sick, mind you) and was a couch potato. All day. No activity other than taking Treble for a walk. That and I kept giving into the cravings. Not that that by itself is such a problem, but it's when you go back for seconds and thirds... that's a problem. And what was up with my random combinations?! Anyways.

Seeing as it has snowed a whole lot in the last 24 hours, I'm going to correct my first mistake by taking Treble to the train tracks to run wild for a while. I'm thinking I'll even put my snow pants on and hopefully Mitch will feel better and come out with us! I need to move!

One thing I had forgotten about quitting is how quickly your metabolism SLOWS DOWN. I think I'm going to have to pick up some Activia or something. And water retention!!! I drank nearly 2L yesterday and only peed twice! I felt like a water balloon all evening.

Time stamp : 33 hours 8 minutes

The Worst Nic-Fit Combination Ever

Floating around on Twitter and I come about this video. Right in the middle of a munchie fit that made me want to hurl my iPhone.

And now I'm... reaching... for... my... lemon water.

It'd be kinda funny to try that recipe out. Maybe give one to Mitch for his birthday in my old iPhone box. Oooohhh, that's sweet AND evil.

Delicious!

**Thanks @zee for posting!

The Bickering

You know what makes a great nic-fit trigger? Bickering. Like over clothes thrown on the floor from the night before at 2 a.m. while half asleep. Bickering with someone else who's nic-fitting. Lolll. It's a good thing I love him. Phew. This is a short one, just needed to take my mind off the fit.

:) Om hari krishna jesus oh mary mother of *&?%$.

Time stamp : 19 hours 44 minutes

The Munchies

One of my most favourite yet most feared "side effects" , if you will, of quitting is the munchies.

I have eaten so far today : 1 apple, 2 eggs with cheese, 2 clementines with chocolate sauce, 2 handfuls of Tater tots and bbq sauce (random, I know, but I saw them in the freezer and I just had to!) Oh, I also ate 2 Lindor chocolates.

I know it's not a lot, but come on, that's a RANDOM menu! (And it still hasn't made the craving go away, so note: food does not replace cigarette.) Mitch is going to go get some dinner at the grocery store. I have no idea what to get. I want to eat healthy, but with him being sick, I don't want us to have to cook. Agh, this is why ordering food was so easy!

The Fits

Sounds like a band name. Hunh.

Well, I'm half-way past Day One. I'm half-way through my bottle of water (how the hell is it not going down quicker?!) and I'm half-way to bat shit crazy. But it's okay. Like the tattoo on my forearm : This, too, shall pass.

But holy cow, Batman.

Mitch is up. Apparently he dreamt that I had started smoking again. Which I think is funny cause I only quit last night. Vote of confidence much, Mitch's Subconscious??? I can already see he's edgy. Fun times. At least my dog is still and always the epitome of calmess. I'll cuddle with him when I have a fit.

I had one point this afternoon where my hands started shaking. So I started making my blog prettier to keep me busy. Then my Mom called.

First thing I heard when I answered was her inhaling her own cigarette. And my knuckles went white as my eyes darted across my coffee table, instantly searching for my trusty pack of DuMaurier's. And then reality hit 2 seconds later. Oh yeah. Ok. I can do this.

So onwards and upwards. Time to start looking into the yoga classes next door. Ain't NO WAY I'm gaining that weight back.

Bottle of lemon water, my new Pack

So in the attempt to NOT put on the 30 pounds I had last time I quit, I'm going to try carrying around my trusty 32 oz water bottle with a little bit of lemon in it. (Thanks to Miss Delisle for the hint.) Supposedly the lemon will help cut the muccus (ewww) in my throat as well as numerous other benefits I'm too edgy to write down.

I let Mitch hide my smokes last night (yes, I actually have some left, but have no idea where he put them). I'm kinda happy about it because I skipped the whole "I'm throwing out my smokes" ceremony, but at the same time, they are still inside my walls, haunting me. So I'll get him to throw them out. In front of me.

Mitch quit, too, but he's still in bed. I can't sleep. Too edgy. Can't eat, too edgy. Time stamp : 12 hours 57 minutes.

Brilliant Anti-Smoking Videos

As it is with any new endeavor I embark upon, I spent some time online and found a few powerful anti-smoking videos from around the world. These actually moved me. So I'm going to collect a few here.

Punch in. Day One. (Ugh)

The sole purpose of this page is because not 15 minutes ago I made my boyfriend swear he wouldn't tell anyone about our little promise. And now I have to tell someone. So I'll tell the emptiness of this space.

WE'RE QUITTING SMOKING.

How ridiculous a little thing to keep secret, but this is why: I quit everything, even quitting. My longest success period was just over 1 year. And then I caved and believed myself by saying 'Just one'. That was 3 years ago.

I started smoking when I was 13 years old, so that's nearly 17 years (minus one). 16 years. And yeah, I had started because I wanted to be cool. And it was. And now my entire apartment stinks like my grandparents house.

I'm also a singer, so the Duh Factor there is pretty big.

I'm also an asthmatic. Yeah. There's that Duh Factor again.

So basically this is where I'll allow myself to spill my guts about the Quit (among other things). If ever ANYONE at all decides to read this, feel free to ask me questions. It entertains me and, well let's face it, I'll be a ball of energy for the next few days, so keep me entertained.

Smoke free : 11 hours, 6 minutes