Sometimes, I feel my excitement about this big move might fluster some feathers from women who wish they were living what I'm living now or simply don't get it. Sometimes, I get a plethora of suggestions and tips for a long-lasting marriage, and sometimes I get asked : "Why? What's the point?"
What does marriage mean today?
In the past, it was a religious contract for two human beings to be bound to one another under God in order to procreate and manage a family. The roles were tightly defined before the post-modern feminism that I have been raised in: women managed the homestead, men managed the income necessary to do so. Women cooked, cleaned, raised the children, loved their man unconditionally, supported them in their follies without missing a beat. Well... let's be honest. Times have changed, but not that much. Is it me or is my generation looking at our grandmothers with a lot of respect and a little bit of romanticism about those days? (Or maybe it's just because of "Mad Men".)
But today, in my non-secular, non-traditional life, where divorce is not taboo but a "way out", an "oops, I made a mistake", where pre-nups are no longer only for the rich, what does marriage stand for? What am I getting myself into?
First, let me state what most women most likely state before they walk down the aisle: Yes, I am getting married for life.
This statement must seem like a big "duh" to so many. But I don't take this lightly. My experience of marriage is two-fold. My parents divorced, so did my fiancé's. For different reasons, like many of our parents. Mine married very young, raised children, lived separate experiences but one shared life where sacrifice was a constant. They grew up, matured, to realize they were very different people from the day they said "I do". Divorce was the reasonable solution to their unhappiness. But when they got married, the answer to "Why" would certainly have been "Because we love each other and want to be together, no matter what." Oops. But believe me, as their child, just as the children of so many divorced couples, divorce was the best possible outcome : I love my parents, but I love them more divorced. I no longer see them as one entity, as 'my parents', like we do when we are children, but I see them for who they are as independent people. They are stronger apart. Divorce did not equate to failure, as the stigma dictates.
My grandparents lived a different definition of marriage. They were very religious, god-fearing people. My grandmother would never have imagined leaving my grandfather, even amidst his crazy ideas and questionable business decisions; that's just not what a lady did. Even after his death, she remained faithful to him for over a decade until her own death. On days like today, I wish I could dial up Heaven on Skype and ask her "Why? How? What did marriage mean to you? How did you do it?"
Why am I agreeing into this institution even though my education on the topic is confused, mixed, overtly personal at best? Why do some get married telling themselves that if it doesn't work out they can always get divorced? Why is that even an option? Why bother getting married? Well, what does marriage mean to me?
I am a woman of many levels, I guess. I'm getting married because I believe that children are better raised with two strong, loving, constant role-models. Because marriage is a confirmation that I have found my partner in life, the ying to my yang. This man has shown me both support for who I am and challenge to be better. Because he's accepted me for what I do and say and feel, but always has a smile on his face knowing I have yet to push my own limits and he wants to be there to see me do it. Because we share many opinions and thoughts on how we want our lives to be, both personally and together, but still think separately - neither of us is "whipped", for the record. And because the human beings we'll create together will be awesome, cause we're awesome. (Hehehe, well what!? It's true!)
Because at the end of the day, I finally have tasted what real love is and have not felt the desire to ask myself "Is there someone better out there?" Because there isn't. He's perfect... for me. I've never been a better me since I met him. And I want that to continue, because oh baby, it's so just the beginning. (And if you knew me, you'd know that I spent my entire life looking for something better. The fact that I've found it is incredible.)
I believe the path we've taken, having been together for nearly 5 years, living together for 4, is testament to how well we know each other. We live together as if we already are married. No decision is made without both having a chance to pitch in our thoughts and opinions. Compromise? Yeah, we know what it is, but it's not so much about compromise as it is about "What will make you happy because your happiness will rub off on me." (We'd never force the other into a situation that we know would make the other uncomfortable. Do you know how much that is worth?!) We both share passions together, but have talents that are our own. We have one life, but two different experiences. We know each other deeply, but take nothing for granted. And yes, after 5 years, he just keeps getting hotter and more attractive. I still have those butterflies and the excitement to see him after work. We tell each other we love each other every day, but we don't just say it. We mean it. We bicker and argue, and we've fought, but we hate it. We hate upsetting the other. It never lasts. And no, we've never been to bed upset at one another. We don't just say we're sorry, afterwards either. We correct the mistakes we each made and explain each other.
But still. Marriage.... wow. What does it mean to you? What have you experienced? Learned?
