Sadly, the answer is no.
(Now, for those who don't know why I say this, read my earlier post about my implication with Haïti.)
That's why I feel guilty. Although I live thousands of miles away and my life is naturally detached from their harsh reality, I feel remorse that I'm not doing more, not doing enough.
This especially hit me recently when my virtual friend Shaun King tweeted about a trip to Haïti to go rebuild an orphanage for children affected with health issues. Many signed up... but I didn't. My thoughts went back and forth: "Take your vacation days, save up money, go!" "But my job, my fiancé, my family... they need me here. It's unrealistic to take off and go." "But you promised!" "But I can't!" I would look into my fiancé's face and know that it was impossible. And my heart would break. And it still has a chip in it.
I'm sure that those of you who dedicated those sleepless hours as virtual volunteers must have felt the same at one point or another. How do we deal with it? How do we resolve that our lives ARE detached from that reality? How do we look at the luxuries around us like that roof that doesn't leak or that comfy, big bed with new Ikea sheets and not want to shove them in a box and send them over there? I feel like I went from 200-miles-an-hour, full-speed-ahead dedication to fully flatlining from exhaustion and never finding the strength to continue on. I spent nearly the whole month of February trying to regain my strength and catch up to my real life, which I had left behind while I was busy 'saving Haïti'. Now I've found my life again, I feel normal again. But to what cost...?
I look at my friend Luke Renner of Fireside International who, as soon as the dust settled, hit the streets to survey school destruction and start building a plan to bring education back to the residents by using innovation and creativity. He's still there, even without the pillars of strength that are his wife and daughter, fighting to get the iPods filled with educational material (virtual schools) into the hands of those that need it.
I hold so much respect for Shaun and Luke (to only mention two of hundreds) and I wish I could do more to help them. I look at my virtual buddy Melissa (@MelyMello) and have so much respect for the fact that she put her life on hold for a week to accompany Shaun last week to Haïti and get her hands dirty after having spent so much time organizing and filtering information, coordinating help and communications. She's a superstar.
I'm not rich, I'm not a globetrotter with airmiles... hell, I don't even own a credit card. But I have my laptop and continue to exchange with Haitians and volunteers. When I see a Tweet that merits our attention, I retweet. An interesting post on Facebook? I share it. Someone needs help raising money? I do what I can although I, myself, count pennies.
Why do I feel this survivor's guilt? Because Haitians are still suffering, still living in tents that get flooded in the rains, unprotected from hurricanes. Because there are still orphans with no names or dates of birth being fed too little. Because people are still living in homes that are unsafe and still threaten to crumble on top of their heads. Women are still be raped and violated for no other reason than men needing something to do. Does Haïti still feel love?
I still hold on to my desire to go help in person. I hope that one day I can stop hoping and just do it.
